my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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