I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
