My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
