Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
