I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
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Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
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A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
how does that bad decision feel?
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