Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
