Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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