this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
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