I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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