I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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