I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
