Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
