The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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