Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I need to stop coming to work sober
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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