At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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