this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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