So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
