genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
