my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
