is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
