I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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