bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
