you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Four minutes until I can fart!
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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