So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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