Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.