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i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
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