Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.