Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
