I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
