How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
