god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you would pick up someone in the library
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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