oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
