Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
