oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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