Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Randomize
