I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
only you would photoshop your dick
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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