Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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