Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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