I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
