My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
