No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
