I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
