he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
