at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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