9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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