The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
