I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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