I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
