I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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