this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
