i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm sobbing to NWA
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
