Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
