I am puke
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
