Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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