Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
