so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
