youre lurking in front of me
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
