I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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