Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
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I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
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It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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